Breaking Down the Fortress: Facing Numbness and Finding Freedom
Wait. What if these thoughts aren’t my cross to bear? What if they’re just a way to not feel anything at all?
Imagine sitting across from someone who tells you, with the weight of years in her voice, that she’s always believed thoughts of giving up were her cross to bear. Like a ball and chain she’d been dragging through life. No hope of unlocking it—just dragging it, day after day. She said it so matter-of-factly, it broke my heart. But then, in the middle of our session, something clicked. She stopped, tilted her head, and said, “Wait. What if these thoughts aren’t my cross to bear? What if they’re just a way to not feel anything at all?”
That’s when it hit me. This wasn’t hopelessness talking. It was her Fortress persona. It’s not there to destroy her—it’s there to shield her. From pain. From disappointment. From joy. From anything that might make her feel too much. The Fortress doesn’t care if it’s protecting you from sadness or happiness—it’s just there to make sure you feel nothing at all.
And here’s the thing: while her story might sound extreme, that tendency to numb is something we all experience in some way. The Fortress builds walls to keep you “safe,” but safety often looks a lot like isolation. It’s not just the big feelings—it’s the small ones, too. Even joy can feel dangerous if you’ve spent your life waiting for the other shoe to drop.
This depression and deep suicidality, as heavy and isolating as they feel, are features I’ve come to recognize in the Fortress persona. The Fortress is designed to shield us from pain, but it does so indiscriminately, numbing not only sorrow but also joy, excitement, and connection. While the Fortress’s walls may be most visible in those with profound despair, the tendency to numb is something we can all relate to. That’s exactly what one of my clients shared with me. She carried those thoughts like a shadow, believing they were just part of her story. But in one session, a light bulb went off: those thoughts weren’t her destiny—they were a defense. They were her Fortress’s way of keeping her from feeling anything too deeply.
For her, the thoughts of escape weren’t about truly wanting to leave this life. They were about avoiding the overwhelming intensity of emotions she was taught she couldn’t handle. And here’s what’s wild: that avoidance wasn’t just about pain or sadness. Even happiness—joy, excitement, hope—felt dangerous, too much to hold.
This is the power of the Fortress persona. It numbs us to keep us “safe,” guarding against feelings that seem too intense or overwhelming. It builds walls so high that not only pain but also joy, connection, and vulnerability are kept out. The Fortress thrives on control, convincing us that if we stay numb, we stay protected. But safety, in this case, often means being locked away from life itself, leaving us disconnected and stuck in survival mode.
When Happiness Feels Overwhelming
Many of us think our ego only shows up when we’re hurt, rejected, or grieving. But our ego shows up anytime it feels like we need it. For some, happiness can even feel like a threat. Joy can even feel overwhelming because we’ve been conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop.
“Things are too good to be true.”
“If I get too happy, something bad will happen.”
“I don’t deserve to feel this good.”
When you’ve been through trauma, disappointment, or rejection, positive emotions can feel just as unsafe as negative ones. Happiness becomes a risk, a bright light you’re afraid to bask in because you’re convinced it’ll be snatched away.
When your ego shows up as the Fortress, here are a few ways it steps in:
It numbs joy so you don’t have to fear losing it.
It numbs pain so you don’t have to feel its depth.
It numbs everything in between so you can function—but barely.
Even if your ego does not show up as the Fortress, numbing may be something that is familiar to you.
Why Do We Numb Ourselves?
From a young age, many of us learn that emotions are dangerous or unmanageable. Maybe you heard things like:
“Don’t get too excited; it’s not a big deal.”
“Stop crying; nobody wants to hear that.”
“Happiness doesn’t last, so don’t get your hopes up.”
Over time, we internalize the message that feelings—whether joy or sorrow—are too much. And when life throws us curveballs, the Fortress becomes our refuge. Its walls keep us from feeling the sharpness of pain, but they also keep us from feeling the warmth of connection, love, and hope.
3 Tools to Dismantle the Fortress and Embrace Feeling
Before diving into these tools, take a moment to reflect on your own experience. Have you noticed patterns of numbing or avoiding emotions in your life? These tools are designed to help you gently reconnect with your feelings and begin dismantling the walls of your Fortress persona.
If you're curious about your own ego persona, I invite you to take the quiz to discover how your ego shows up. And for those ready to go deeper, join me on for an immersive training where we’ll explore these concepts in more detail.
How do you start to feel again—without being overwhelmed? Here are three unique tools to help you take small, meaningful steps:
1. Joy Calibration Practice
When joy feels dangerous, you can start small. Each day, give yourself permission to feel a tiny spark of happiness for just 10 seconds. Maybe it’s the warmth of your tea, a funny meme, or a moment of sunshine on your skin. Let yourself feel it fully, even if it’s just for a breath. Over time, this practice helps your nervous system trust that joy is safe.
2. The Ego Dialogue Exercise
Your ego s isn’t bad—it’s just trying to protect you. Imagine it as a wise, overprotective gatekeeper. Write a letter to your Fortress persona, asking:
“What are you trying to protect me from?”
“What would happen if I allowed myself to feel this?”
Then, write a response from the ego's perspective. This exercise helps you build compassion for this part of yourself while loosening its grip.
3. Tactile Grounding for Emotional Flow
Feelings can be overwhelming because they live in the body. Use a tactile grounding technique to help emotions move through you instead of getting stuck. For example:
Hold a piece of ice in your hand while you process a strong emotion. The cold sensation anchors you to the present and prevents you from feeling overwhelmed.
Wrap yourself in a weighted blanket while journaling about your feelings, allowing the pressure to signal safety to your nervous system.
The Gift of Feeling
Here’s the thing: the ego is trying to help. It believes that if it can just keep you from feeling too much—whether pain or joy—you’ll survive. And maybe it did help you survive in the past. But survival isn’t the same as living.
My client now understands that her Fortress persona’s constant numbing wasn’t her destiny; it was a coping mechanism. By learning to trust her emotions, she’s beginning to feel alive again—brick by brick, she’s dismantling her Fortress.
You can, too.
Feelings aren’t the enemy. Avoidance is. If you want to learn more about how to dismantle the Fortress and embrace your emotions, join me on for an immersive training. We’ll dive deep into these tools and more, giving you practical ways to reconnect with yourself. And don’t forget—take the quiz to discover your ego persona and start your journey to understanding your unique patterns.
The more you allow yourself to feel—even in small, measured ways—the more you’ll discover that emotions aren’t as dangerous as you’ve been taught. They’re just messages, waiting for you to listen.
What’s your ego trying to protect you from? It’s worth asking. Start with one of these tools today, and let’s find freedom together.
